Ever since I can remember I've always been fascinated with the human mind. I've wondered how does a human think? Who created us? Why were we placed on this earth? Most things people wouldn't think about unless they questioned their existence. Even when I was old enough to walk, I've been emotional or either felt pain of another because I hated to see people hurt. I believe this is why most people I know define me as a sweet, caring, and intelligent person with a big heart. When you're considered a nice person to others it's hard to determine where to draw the line between the kindness of your heart and getting taken advantage of. In the end, I believe that most "nice" people end up getting taken advantage of at least 80-90% of their life according to our society. Then I think to myself... why? Why does the outcome always end up like this. I have no siblings, I've always been independent, and I am always giving. I've considered myself a loner for 20 years now because I don't depend on anyone to make ANY of my choices and I've come not to trust or open my heart up to just anyone on first encounter. I consider myself Christian, but at the same time I set certain boundaries for my Christian beliefs based on what morals I consider important to maintain. I won't lie I have sinned, but everyone does. I haven't encountered one person in my life who has not messed up at least once in their lifetime, but that does not make that person any different than anyone else. Because each of us are different in our own way we come to face clashing personalities and traits. Being the independent loner that I am, I purposely try to make myself different from the rest of the crowd. In the long run all that has done is just hurt me. I don't fit in anywhere, I can't seem to find a second stable home among my friends, and I've come to the point where the only people I can trust and open my heart up to is only my first family (my mom and dad) and my spiritual family (God). They have been the only ones who have not hurt me to the point where I just snap. And they have never betrayed their loyalty to me which is what I consider the most important in a relationship. But then, based on what I've previously stated, you're probably thinking to yourself, "Wait! This child is an only child? Smart? And Christian? I bet you she gets everything she wants, because she was raised in a stable home, is always obedient to her parents every word, and was spoiled rotten to the bone because of it." Again I won't lie. I do possess many material items that most people would consider themselves lucky to have. And they have made me very happy for short periods of time. But long before I hit high school I knew then material items can never make a person happy. Just only sadder and sadder the greeder they become. So then what defines true happiness? How can a person achieve this so call eternal happiness? Not on earth definitely.

Just because I'm a "nice" person I've taken so much crap in this world. People may look at me and probably think this girl has not felt the pain of a broken home. This girl has not felt the pain of always being teased and verbally abused. This girl has not felt the pain of always being abused within a home until they were 18 and could legally leave. This girl has not been through most of the stuff most depressed children have been through and cannot say she suffers like us. I concur. I have not felt these sorts of pain in my life because most of it has been pounded on me for years emotionally rather than physically. I've been talked down to. I've let others talk crap about me behind my back while I stood there listening to every word and at the same time not say a word. I've done nice things for people and let them go on their merry way without so much as a "Thank you" or some sort of way they could have showed me their gratitude. I've befriended and cut loose the same friends who I thought were trust worthy of my friendship, but proved me wrong. I've moved from friend to friend to friend and held in all the pain of losing that friend because I knew something in me would have snapped if I released it and I would have done or said something I couldn't take back. I've poured and poured and poured my heart out to these people I constantly meet and for what. To be sad?! To feel the same pain most of my closest friends go through today?! To just lie down and take beatings from every person who has hurt me in not only the past but the present to?! IT MAKES NO SENSE! I'm tired of being stepped on. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. I'm tired of providing love to people when all they can give me is dust in return. I'm tired of living under the stereotypes of I'm black, so she must be ghetto, I'm Christian, so she probably wouldn't be interested in what most consider "sinful" stuff, I'm a girl, so she must not like video games, sports, and other guy stuff, I'm a tomboy, so she must not be interested in a serious boyfriend / girlfriend relationship. I'm tired of having to abide by these rules and regulations and having these so called judgments passed onto MY life that continuously pull me down. I'm tired living a life full of sadness, anger, hatred, and distrust for most of my common people because they always seem to let me down in the end. It's not fair for these "nice" people to live this sort of life where they can't seem to be happy unless they're doing what everyone else does. Why do we have to live under this kind of treatment and pain 24/7? Why must we live always stressed? Why can't we just find common ground? Why can't we ever find true happiness in this world? There's just only so much a person can take until they finally SNAP!!! By then it's too late. They make irreversible mistakes. They feel guilty in the end. And yet the void continues to stay open in your heart because you can't find the right thing to make you feel gratified in the end.

Even though most people I'm friends with go through this kind of mistreatment which always goes unnoticed, the ones who've hurt them the most continue to live life like nothing's wrong while the ones they hurt either feel total sadness or complete hatred. I think this is what makes a person stronger. This is what makes a person finally stand up and speak for themselves. This is what true hell feels like when you've built up so much negativity in your life to the point where your body cannot hold anymore. Then you let it all lose in one final decision you make in your life.

I'm to the point where I've decided to stop caring for others. To stop helping those in need. And to disown my mannerisms and refuse to bite my tongue when needed. It does me no good to keep these emotions inside. In the end, all it brings me is pain and grief. Anger and sadness. And finally loneliness which I've already experienced for most of my life. Only family. Only God. Only me. No companionship. No fulfilled happiness. No one who I can call friend....